I've been dealing with ridiculous mood swings for a few years now. I watch movies, and certain kinds of scenes make me tear up when I usually wouldn't. I'm frustrated over school and how poorly I'm performing. I contemplate packing a backpack with a few clothes, picking a direction, and just walking until I find a reason to exist. Phrases like, "I can't wait til the world ends", or "fuck everything" constantly ring in my mind like a perpetual alarm signifying that something is terribly wrong. I can't bring myself to socialize with women because I can't let go of the ideology that having no job, money, or stability disqualifies any worth that I may have as a companion to anyone. I'm lonely, but I don't feel normal when I'm around people. I have really happy mood phases where I'm extremely optimistic, I talk to new people first, and I try to not hate everything. During this time, which never lasts very long, I can write, produce music, draw things, practice gymnastics and martial arts, and feel pretty good about myself. But somewhere along the way I end up slipping back into the violence prone, and depressing state that has cost me so much up until now. I've been dealing with this since I was around 15 years old; I'm 24 now. I looked up symptoms for mental disorders and found that I may be some kind of Bi-Polar, but I'll never really know for sure because I can't afford to see anyone. I also think the military intentionally marked my paperwork to make the VA deny me any benefits.(I was separated administratively almost halfway through my contract.) I sometimes consider using drugs to feel better, but I've seen what they do to people, and I fear the consequences way more than never finding out for myself what they're like. I honestly don't know what to do.. and after sitting here for a minute, I don't even know why I'm even writing this. I think it's a vague insight into why I haven't followed through on what I said in my last entry. I said I'd upload something daily, and I haven't uploaded anything yet. I'd really like to contribute to this community, but I just can't right now. If I'm watching you, it's because your artwork, photographs, and writing are very appealing to me; I appreciate what you all do here. Anyway, that's all for now.